crimson_coat @ 2007-12-22T12:11:00

2007-12-22T18:05:44Z

I have a post to make about other stuff, but I'm making this one first so that I can leave it public.

Hey kiddo... I just finally had the chance to see what happened last night. I'm really sorry you had to go through that, but at least your Dad had some understanding. In many ways, you should realize if he's like us, he WILL understand. (Random, but you know I just realized that Blake is actually 9 years older than Jordin and they are good friends?)

I wish I could talk to him and give my side of the story, but I'm mostly afraid that he won't hear me in his anger. The thing I've wanted him to know from the start is that I really DO understand his position in this. He's doing exactly what I would do in his place-- Protecting his daughter from danger. It's why I've really not tried to contact you in any way because I don't want to break the oath I gave him. (If you noticed, I used to message you all the time before this. Now I don't. I can't, because I respect him a lot.) I've wanted to tell him that a lot of the reason why we are such good friends is because I've dealt with what you are going through now. I know how hard it is to go through that because you have nobody to turn to, nobody to understand you. They all just look at you and pretend they understand but secretly they are judging you. All I've wanted to do is try and give you what most of us don't get: An offered hand and acceptance. That's all we've ever wanted. I don't want to be his enemy. I want to be his friend.

(I'm sorry guys, but I might get a little TMI past this point so you might want to stop reading.)

You know this already Rachel, but I saw my brother molested by somebody I trusted.. I CAN'T harm children because I never want to see another go through what he did. In fact, I tear up even at the thought. It's why I'm so protective of younger people. I'm not friends with Rachel because she is the age she is. In fact, I didn't know her age until well after we were friends. Once I knew her age, it's not like I could just shut off my caring and treat her differently due to it because that's not my way. I believe that all people should be treated with respect regardless of their age. I admit, and I'm sorry Rachel for this... But... Had I known her age in the beginning, I would probably have censored a bit of myself. The only thing is though, that even he knows that everybody talks like this when you were her age. Hiding it from them only earns their ire and loses their trust. I know that being a parent, we want to hide the world from our children and protect them, but we can't. It does serious damage. I know this because my parents are horribly protective. When it's excessive, your children go seeking out the things you hide, and that's much worse. I learned about sex at a very young age because of this reason. My belief has always been to never demonize sex. Give them the information they need, and maybe joke about it a bit. Show them it isn't a bad thing at all. BUT-- Show them that sex should only be a byproduct of love. Show them that sex isn't something to be had in excess because it means so much more with somebody you love. It's the thing we all wait for, the thing that makes this world brighter and mean everything. It's the thing we crave, that connection, from childhood, even though we don't yet know what it means until we reach adulthood. I've never indulged simply for the reason that I've never loved and trusted somebody that much. He may think that by the way I talk to Rachel I am a sex fiend, but in truth, sex is almost like a religious ritual to me. Worshipping the body and soul of the one you love. Giving them all of your feelings in a moment of passion

I know he thinks less of me because I'm gay, but to be honest, it's never really been about having sex for me. I only ever have complete feelings for guys. Try if he can, to think about the way he feels for his wife and then tell him he understands how I feel for guys. I've never been sex obsessed, even as a teenager. I'm in fact one of the biggest prudes to exist, something that I'm made fun of by my guy friends. He may think that being gay is wrong, but it's love. It's not the love he's used to, but it's still that connection all of our types search for. I just walk a different path as opposed to him.

I won't deny it-- I love Rachel, but I love her like a sister, like a daughter in many ways. I'm trying to teach her the things that I had to figure out on my own. I want to see her be strong, and happy earlier than a lot of us ever reach. I'm not trying to undermine a parent's authority, I just know how hard it is for people like us to talk to anybody, ESPECIALLY their parents. Also, I want him to know that I've seen him and his wife through Rachel's eyes and in her stories. In many ways, I wish that I'd had such amazing parents when I was growing up. I envy her in many ways for the relationship that she shares with them. My family is being torn apart by rage and sickness. It has been for a long time. In many ways, I and my brother are all that holds it together. I've never, since the beginning, wanted to do any damage to the relationship her family shares. In fact, many times I tell her to listen to her parents, because I don't want to see them fall apart like mine did.

Just... If he won't hear these words I've written, at least tell him this: If you really and truly want me to stop talking to her, all you need to do is ask. You don't need to threaten me, you don't need to do anything but ask. And I will respect and adhere to these conditions, even though it hurts Rachel. Just please... Please before you make a decision, try to understand my side, your daughter's side. Know that I would never hurt her intentionally so long as I live. Know that I don't hate you one iota. In fact, I care about you and your wife because of how much you mean to Rachel. I don't want to hurt you any more that I want to hurt her. Your daughter is bright, and caring, and wonderful. You've done an amazing job with her. She is strong and given time, will truly make a difference in this world with her heart and words. I just hope that I can have the honour of seeing her grow up to be that woman. Know that even if you hate me, I consider you a comrade in arms, a healer of men who has struggled on even though he's had to struggle mostly alone. If I could, I wish I could wipe away all the tears and suffering that all those I've cared about even if it meant taking on their burden myself.

The Many Masks of a Man in a Crimson Coat

crimson_coat @ 2007-12-22T12:11:00